How to Get Fat

Tired of everybody telling you that you are ‘in good shape’? Or maybe you want some extra layers of blubber to keep you warm this winter. Whatever the reason, the steps below will help you achieve your ideal obesity level.

Step 1: How Fat do You Want to Get?

First, you need to determine how many pounds you want to put on. Do you want to be a little chubby, look like you are pregnant or become the worlds fattest. Keeping your goal in mind will help you to achieve it. It will help to place some photos of overweight people around your house as inspiration. 

Check out the people of Walmart for ideas: www.peopleofwalmart.com

The chart below shows you where you need to be in terms of weight vs. height.

Step 2: Start Eating

Now that you know how big you want to get, it is time to start eating. Eat whatever you like, chocolate, hamburgers, ice cream, etc. Try to eat as much sugar and fat as possible. STAY AWAY FROM VEGETABLES! Vegetables have very little calories. Water is also bad if you want to gain weight. It is better to drink beer or soda pop. 

Take every chance you can get to eat. It can help to have a stash of potato chips close by. Keep one next to your couch and one next to your bed. Keep snacking all day long.

Another good place to eat is at an all you can eat buffet. You can keep filling up your plate as much as you like. 

Step 3: Be as Lazy as Possible

You have heard for years that diet and exercise are important for being healthy. Forget all of that. Absolutely do not get any exercise. Park your car as close to the front of the parking lot every time. Make sure to use one of those electric powered carts they have at the grocery store. Try to stay away from walking anywhere and always take the elevator. An absolutely do not play any sports whatsoever.

Napping on the couch is a great way to add on the pounds!

Remember, with no work at all and a strong lack of discipline, you will be well on your way to obesity.

How to Get Fired

Step 1: Dress for Success

Come to work dressed in a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. This will really show off your slacker attitude. Or better yet, go commando with a hospital gown. That is a sure fire way to prove to your boss that you are over the edge. As an alternative, you can rent an Easter bunny suit to give a soft touch to your disdain for the job.

Step 2: Show 'Em What You're Really Worth

To give a hint of laziness, surf the internet all day. Spend hours on Facebook, Twitter, blogging, shopping for socks. For an even bigger effect, you can use your time at the office to search for better jobs and even conduct phone interviews at your desk. Make sure you don't answer any email or show up for meetings, especially the important ones. 

Step 3: Say it Like You Mean it

Push yourself to be as crude as possible, noticing every flaw in your coworkers. Say something like, "Hey Judy. Looks like you have gained some weight. I noticed you have been hitting the doughnuts a lot latley." Or do something crazy, like say, "Let's trash this place!" and then start throwing things around. Don't forget to break something while you are at it

Step 4: Go the Extra Mile

If you really want to make sure you get the boot, you can try these ideas:

• Get completely drunk at lunch and wander around telling everyone your problems.
• Complain about every person you work with and even those you don't.
• Talk about how much better your competitor is.
• Sell drugs and illegal items at the receptionist area.
• Play some heavy metal music at full volume and start screaming.

These are some simple ideas for getting fired. Please feel free to add some more with your comments.